Excalibur!

I found Excalibur, guys! I was wandering through medieval Britain, and found this sword in a rock. Let me send you a pic from my Eldritch smartphone.*

If I pull it out, I become King of, like, England or something, right? I should totally do that. Wait, gotta take a selfie first. Hmm.....maybe pose like this....? Stick my arm out like that....and....perfect!

Hey. Hey, wait. Wait, kid, what are you doing? Stop! That's my sword! Don't touch it! No, no! Don't pull it! HEY! I SAID STOP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU AR-OW! WHAT THE HECK! I NEED THAT ARM!

Sorry guys, I'll be back. Gotta go kill King Arthur and eat Merlin. Also got to stitch my arm back on....or....just regrow it I guess. Bloody.


*The Ephone 5.

Indigestion Blues

Uuugh. Last week I ate Quiznos, and I suffered for it. What the heck do they put in those subs to give an Eldritch Abomination stomach cramps? Reminds me of that commercial they had a while back with these gross rats dancing in their ovens. I'd prefer the rats. I can eat rats without indigestion. Apparently I can't eat a chicken, bacon, and ranch from Quiznos, however, without indigestion.

I'll go trick Yog into eating there sometime.

The New Dere Archetype, Phersu-dere, or Sudere

So, I've created a new dere archetype, like tsundere or yandere. It is the Sudere, or Phersudere.


Sudere - When someone dere to you is also a genocidal, galaxy-devouring Eldritch Abomination with reality bending powers.

It's like.....the best new craze.

A Short, Four Line Poem

So, I read a thread on some forums about being thankful. This is my response.

As I lay to rest tonight,
I shall thank the stars that shine so bright,
For they guide me through the night,
Even when the distant lights aren't so bright.

- A poem by Phersu.

Hamlet - Phersu Edition

A missing, alternative scene of Hamlet, featuring Phersu. Totally real and legit. Written by Shakespeare and Phersu.


Hamlet -


Hamlet watched from his hiding place as his murderous uncle prayed, tempted to end him right then and there. But what if he did kill him now? Would he not go to heaven, being murdered during prayer?

"No. That's stupid. Just kill the bastard, Hamlet. Do it. Run him through, then let's go eat."

"Nay, dear Phersu, I can't allow the swine to ascend to Paradise."

"Hamlet, he murdered your father. He's going down to the bad place with pointy sticks and horrible marshmallows. Just kill him."

"But Phersu-"

"No! He's right there! Perfectly vulnerable!"

"I can't-"

"Everyone dies, Hamlet! Everyone dies if you don't just kill him now. Do it."

"That can't-"

"Your mom dies. Your friends die. Your girlfriend Ophelia kills herself because you suck at planning. Her brother dies. You die."

"Impossible!"

"You know who survives? Horatio. I mean, I like Horatio as much as the next guy, but seriously Hamlet. Just do it, you pansy."

"Hey!"

"Pansy say what? Pansy can't kill his uncle?"

"Stop that!"

"Pansy say stop? Pansy a little girl? Is that it, Pansy? You a little girl?"

"Rrrraaaaaaaaaaaagh!" Hamlet roars, fleeing from his cover and running his uncle through, killing him instantly.

"Damn right."

The End.

Mini Me!

Just got to post this here.....

Ain't I adorable?

Another Brush with Religion

I met the Flying Spaghetti Monster the other day.

I tried to eat him. I know, I know. Total faux pas on my part. But, I just thought he was food. I had bitten into one of those meatballs when Yog told me who he was. Bloody Yog. I didn't know FSM was his family. But I can see the resemblance.

Like twins. Freaking Yog. Hate that guy. But his cousin, FSM, is pretty chill. Makes some really good burgers. Out of this world. I mean, they're like White Castle burgers. If White Castle was an Eldritch burger joint.*

So, moral of this story? Don't eat flying mounds of spaghetti and meatballs. Also? Punch Yog. Guys an asshole.


*It actually is.